Prying Ears
by Odocoileus
Summary: A late night talk with Jane and the Dragon with new and improved plot!
1. Chapter 1

Prying Ears Author Notes by Odocoileus

It has come to my attention that the Jane and the Dragon programming in the USA is censored. Scenes depicting farts are not broadcasted, as well as a whole episode revolving around a dung fight does not air in America. In honor of this blue humor I have been motivated to write and contribute this story with a plot element of farting.

Edits made December 2008 are to integrate chapter II and to change the primary location from a large tower to stable, so as to be consistent with the castle layout.

"Jane and the Dragon" is the property of Martin Baynton and Weta Limited.

Chapter 1

Jane is spending a night in the stables with Dragon by an order of the king.

It is evening and Jane is in bed, no hearth fire nor candle light makes the stable dark. The stable door is wide open and the shutters are likewise open. A cloaked figure enters. It approaches Jane and hovers over her then the figure backs away and turns.

Jane Yells in her most intimidating voice. "Who goes there?!"

"It . . . it is just me Jane, I am sorry for disrupting you." Says a little feminine voice

Jane responds in a quizzical voice "Pepper? Is that you?"

Pepper admits in a whisper "Yes, maybe I should go, we can talk later."

"No stay . . . I know it violates rules to keep civilian company, but I can not ignore you."

"I am in you dept, Jane" remarks Pepper

"Do not feel that way, I can use the company." Jane says as she raises from her bed to give Pepper room to sit.

Pepper sits down and hangs her head as she stares at her feet.

"Pepper is something bothering you?" asks Jane with sympathy

"Yes, but I do not know if I should bother you with it."States Pepper

"You know that I am always glad to be your council" asserts Jane

"You are so kind Jane, I can always trust you." Pepper says with affection

Jane is silent, she waits for Pepper to talk

"Jane, do you think I am . . . That I am ugly." says Pepper with a quiver in her voice.

"No, no no, why would you think that."Jane says with suprise

"Earlier today while cooking, Rake handed me a basket and our hands touched." admits Pepper

"So" says Jane

"So I grasped his hand ever so slightly and he pulled away" Says Pepper as she cover her face

"Oh do not let that make you sad, boys are just that way." professes Jane "He would have been that with anybody"

"If you want my advice," Interrupts Dragon "I should take you hostage and Rake will have to come to rescue you, it is a classic story."

"Dragon!" Pepper says in a raised voice "Why is he in here?"

Jane interjects as she scolds Dragon "Dragon hush up, no one asked you and that is a terrible idea."

"Oh did I scare you?" Dragon asks Pepper "I can hear your heart pound so. I believe I can even hear you sweat from the start that I gave you."

Jane says "Do not mind him. If he is not telling us how much better he is than us short-lives, he is asking questions so he can conclude how much better he thinks he is."

"Why is Dragon inside the stable?" asks Pepper

"This is the largest place in the castle where he can fit, but it is still quite a tight fit, so that is why my bed is so close to the door." States Jane

Pepper asks "So why is he here?"

"The king has entrusted him with the honor of being my personal guardian." Says Jane

"Why do you need a guardian?"responds Pepper

"I do not, but the king is entertaining foreign guests and he does not want Dragon to do his usual disruptive habits." Jane utters

Pepper hesitantly states "Habits?"

Dragon raises a leg and lets out a massive fart.

"NO!" exclaims Jane and Pepper in unison.

"Oh, that one was a bit wet." Dragon says with pride

Jane protests "Oh the smell, Dragon I must start setting some rules for you. First rule being that you shall do all your body functions outside. Second rule, talk in hushed tones while inside. Third and finally . . ."

Dragon interrupts "Do you want me to go mediaeval on you?"

"What does that mean?" Jane asks in a cross tone

Dragon replies "I just made it up, it means to 'treat you like royalty'"

"That will never catch on."

"What do you short lives know about catchy sayings?" States Dragon with a dejected tone.

Jane resumes what she started "Well as I was saying, thirdly, I hear-by relieve you of your guard duty"

Dragon responds "That is not all that I have been relieved of this night"

Jane replies through her choking voice "Ha ha, very funny. But it is not that, as much as you where not doing your duty. You should have warned me of an intruder."

"I saw her when she entered. I would have roasted her but she might have caught you on fire too . . . also she is a girl." Dragon admits

Sir Theodore comes to the open door with a torch that breaks the darkness.

Sir Theodore speaks "Squire Jane, your door is wide open . . ."

Before he can finish his words, Sir Theodore is repulsed by the smell. He turns away before he can see Pepper.

"Oh the stench, it knocks the wind out of me" exclaims Sir Theodore

Jane whispers to Dragon "Your guard duty has been honorably reinstated, carry on my brave sentry."

"I am glad to hear that because I am about to violate rule one again." Dragon says as he farts a second time.

Jane and Pepper jump from the bed and sprint outside. Jane positions herself in front of Sir Theodore, blocking his view. Pepper sneaks by and hides in a topiary.

Jane says in a rigid military tone "My apologizes for the odors in my quarters, Sir Theodore. As you know Dragon is my charge this night so that he does not disrupt the king's social."

"Quite, but he is disruptive of your rest." Exclaims Sir Theodore "Is there not some stable he may retire to?"

"Oh you know Dragon, should he be bored, he can be mischievous. I have been keeping him occupied." Explains Jane

Sir Theodore enters the stable.

"A bit of flame will dispatch your beast's malfeasances." Says Sir Theodore as he waves his torch around a bit.

Dragon asserts "Ha, you call that a flame?"

"NO!" Screams Jane "You are not to compare flames in here, nor anywhere. On behalf of Sir Theodore I trust he will concede that challenge to you."

"Yes, Dragon I shall not accept your flame challenge." Responds Sir Theodore "Nor would I try to out do your gaseous discharges."

"Wise choice short-life" Dragon says with malevolence.

Jane politely escorts Sir Theodore out of the stable.

"He should be fine till the marrow. It has been hours since he last ate." Maintains Jane

"Oh I have a lot more arrows in my quiver, if you know what I mean." Vows Dragon.

Jane whispers to Sir Theodore "So I will just keep the doors and shutters open."

"Squire Jane," Says Sir Theodore "It is your prerogative to choose this nocturnal company you keep, yet few would opt for such."

Dragon calls out from the stable "Funny that you should say that, Jane's company is more varied . . ."

Jane interrupts "Dragon! Sentries are silent!"

Dragon adds "but deadly"

"Yes they are, now if you can only be both at the same time." Says Jane in an irrate tone

"Yes, silent but deadly got it. Hmm . . ." Dragon utters to himself

"If you are thinking of that as new saying, it will not be remember either." Replies Jane

"Oh just wait, I may be well known for that too." Retorts Dragon

"Get your rest Squire Jane and ignore your scaly companion because knights must be vigilant." Expresses Sir Theodore.

"Yes Sir Theodore, I will take your advice under serious consideration." Declares Jane

"Carry on Squire Jane." Says Sir Theodore as he turns to leave.

Jane parts company with Sir Theodore and returns to her bed. As Sir Theodore walks away, Pepper comes out from hiding and re-enters the stable.

"Well you heard it, you are allowed to choose your nocturnal company." Contends Pepper.

"Yes but can you breathe fire?" Jane quips.

Dragon interrupts "I can"

"I was not speaking to you green lips." Jane exclaims

Dragon changes the subject "Pepper, do you like Rake?"

Pepper hesitates, "If he likes me."

"That is not what I asked. Do YOU like him?" Dragon states firmly

"I guess so" mumbles Pepper

"Do you guess that he likes you?" Dragon asks

"I do not know." Says Pepper in a more than usual timid voice.

"Dragon, where are you going with this?" Says Jane in an irritated tone

"Be patient, I have observed you short lives enough to have some ideas." Dragon says in a protestant tone

Jane interrupts again. "If this is your hostage idea, then I have to stop you now."

"Do not worry, I have done it before." Dragon says with surety

"Yes you took the prince. But this is different." Jane says

Dragon ignores Jane and addresses Pepper "So Pepper, if you are sure that Rake has feelings for you, you need to give him reason to risk his life for you."

"I can not let you continue should your plot meet with disaster . . ." Jane says then she is interrupted

"Do not worry, he just has to come to the cave to rescue Pepper" says Dragon "Then she will go to Rake and let him know that he passed the test."

"I still do not like it, if Rake does not rescue Pepper, then what?" asks Jane

Dragon counters with "If you do not want my advice then why did you ask?"

"I did not ask." Asserts Jane

"Oh, do you have a better idea?" exclaims Dragon

Jane admits "Well you are right about making Rake do something that shows his true self, wether it be for or against Pepper's affection."

Pepper interjects "Should he come here now and rescue me from this discussion, that would prove him to be brave and worthy."

Jane quips "A more brave feat would be for him to rescue you from Dragon's gaseous discharges."

"So you like my idea!" Proclaims dragon with joy

"Not entirely but it is a start." States Jane "A great romance has a story of bravery and sacrifice."

"So it is agreed that I take Pepper as hostage."

"No, that can only lead to your being banned from the castle at best" states Jane

"Jane . . ." says Dragon in a slow voice

"Yes . . . what is it" replies Jane with a hint of anger.

Jane prompts dragon to answer her again "So what is it that you want to say"

Dragon drifts off to sleep then begins to snore

Pepper exclaims "Oh no"

Jane inquires "The snoring"

Pepper replies "Yes, . . . well at least he has stopped talking."

Jane says in an apologetic tone "He talks in his sleep too."

Pepper suggests "Just do not have a conversation with him and you may get some sleep."

Jane nods in agreement

Minutes later Pepper detects a fresh odor and interrupts the silence "Does he pass gas all night long too."

"Yes"admits Jane

"So that is why the door is open." Says Pepper

"Yes, It is the only reason I am still alive, Pepper, It is the only reason I am still alive" concludes Jane.


	2. Chapter 2

Written by Odocoileus, edited by KrisEelven

Prying Ears part II

The royal family has left the castle on a diplomatic mission with a nearby kingdom.

In the Morning Dragon goes to the kitchen. Dragon calls to Pepper. "Pepper, come out, time to . . . uh be . . . you know."

Jane says with a cross tone "Dragon, what are you doing?"

Dragon utters "Uhmm,"

Jane responds "You want to take Pepper hostage, am I right?"

"Well, uh Yes" says Dragon

Jane proclaims "I will not allow you to you play this silly game."

In a protestant tone Dragon says "Ah why not?"

Jane says "Because your plan has problems"

"Rake just has to come to the cave to rescue Pepper" says Dragon "She will go to Rake and let him know that he passed the test."

Jane counters "Yes I know but what if he does not rescue her, yet may have the bravery to do so a year from now? It is best that we let him grow before you test him."

Dragon replies "How old is he? 13, his life is half over."

"Half? No we short lives are not that short lived."states Jane

Dragon says "Your lives are as just one season to me and it is harvest season now."

"Your plan is like picking fruit before it is ripe."professes Jane

Dragon counters with "I have done this before and it we met because of it."

"It is not the same"Jane states with ire

"Let us ask Pepper if she wants Rake to prove his uh . . . "love" for her?" Dragon says in a disgusted tone.

Dragon reaches into the Garden and pulls out a turnip plant. He calls louder into the Kitchen.

Dragon calls to Pepper "Pepper!"

Pepper replies "Yes"

Dragon says in a serene tone "I have a turnip"

"So?" Pepper says quizzically

"Do you want it?" states Dragon

Pepper relies "Uh, no I do not want your turnip"

Jane interrupts "Dragon, do you think you could lead her out here like she is a horse and you have a carrot?"

"I am running out of ideas"admits Dragon

Jane responds "You ran out of ideas last night"

Dragon says "I am the only one with any ideas"

"Your stirring a pot that needs to simmer"says Jane

"Pot . . . eh hmmmm? Ah that is a good idea. Dragon utters to himself . He says to Jane "When this is over, I shall give you the credit, . . . some of the credit . . . I will wink at you during Rake and Pepper's wedding."

Jane says "I fear that I shall not want to be even remotely involved. I have to caution you Dragon, should your plan end in bloodshed, I may have to choose between you and the castle."

Dragon looks around and states "This pile of rocks?"

Jane exclaims "Yes, these rocks and the people within."

"The choice is obvious to me"Dragon says with a hint of contempt

Later after lunch has been served finished, All are helping Pepper with the cleaning. All but Jane are wondering why Pepper is staying inside the kitchen while the other are outside. The table is nearly cleared and no one is near it when Dragon grabs a serving pot.

A little while later as Pepper is cleaning the dishes there is a loud clang in the kitchen. The serving pot is laying on the kitchen floor. There is a rope tied to the handle, it leads outside the door. Pepper moves to the pot, the rope is pulled and the pot clangs across the floor. Jane comes to the open door, she sees Dragon on the side of the kitchen looking inside through a wind eye. Dragon does not see Jane, so Jane stays at the kitchen door. She motions to Pepper to follow the pot. Pepper does so till the pot reaches the door. Jane picks up the pot and pulls on the rope. Dragon yanks the pot rope so that it comes to him in one pull. Dangling at the end of the rope is Jane as she firmly has the pot in her grasp.

"No, no, no . . ." exclaims Dragon "You do not get it, I am trying to catch Pepper, not you. No one will try to rescue you."

"That sounds like besmirchment of my value." says Jane.

Dragon replies "I could be saying that you can rescue yourself?"

"You could, but you are not."replies Jane

Dragon contends "I could say other things too, such as you do not understand my plan."

On the contrary you silly newt, replies Jane "I get your plan very well. That is why I am dangling here like a hooked fish rather than Pepper."

Dragon lowers Jane to the ground. Pepper comes out of the kitchen

Pepper says to Jane "Why where hanging on a rope, with a pot . . . ?"

"Oh alright Pepper, I must tell you the truth, Dragon thinks that if he takes you captive that Rake will rescue you to prove that he loves you."Jane explains to Pepper

"Oh that is a great idea Jane!" exclaims Pepper

Jane replies quizzically "Really?"

Pepper states "Oh yes, it is so romantic."

Jane asks"But Pepper, what if he does not?"

Pepper contends "Then he is not worthy and does not love me."

Jane replies "Maybe he just needs more time till he can prove he is brave enough to fight a dragon?"

"Are you calling Rake a coward?"asks Pepper

Jane hesitantly states "No, I am sure he is . . . very brave, but Dragon is a . . . dragon.

Pepper wishfully declares "Love will blind him to the danger."

Pepper leaves the kitchen as Jane continues to talk."

Jane says to herself "I do not like it, not even the bravest men would consider fighting a dragon without armor and training."

Pepper calls to Dragon "Dragon, oh Dragon."

Dragon flies down to where Pepper stands.

Pepper talks to Dragon "Jane has told me your plan to test Rake to see if he loves me. I think it is a champion idea. When can you take me captive?"

Dragon thinks for a moments then says "How about now?"

Jane says to Dragon "Tell me, why would a dragon take her hostage?"

Dragon says "The same reason dragons always take damsels hostage.

Jane and Pepper look at Dragon quizzically.

Dragon resumes " . . . to cook"

Jane says with disgust "To cook?! Maybe she should clean your cave too?"

Dragon replies "Yes, my cave can use some tidying up, Pepper do you have a broom"

Jane declares "No, that is not what I wanted to say"

"Wait just a bit, while I will get it."says Pepper

Pepper leaves to get her broom

Jane exclaims to Dragon " With your attitude, perhaps Rake should win the battle."

Dragon responds "Not exactly what I had planed but your getting close to it."

Jane says in a cross tone "No I am not getting it. Your plan has so many problems. Why take Pepper for you personal cook when you could take a kettle of stew?"

Dragon explains "Because Rake will not want to marry a kettle of stew"

Pepper returns with a broom and a ladle

"Let us proceed." declares Pepper "Should I scream so that Rake can hear me?"

Dragon says "Yes scream as loud as you can"

Pepper screams, They all look to where Rake is tending his garden, he does not react. Pepper screams again. Rake looks up and around then goes back to gardening."

Pepper asks Dragon "Perhaps you can hold me, fly over the garden and then I will scream?"

Dragon holds out his hand and Pepper sits pristinely in his palm.

Pepper says " No wait, this will not work."

"Finally some common sense." exclaims Jane

Pepper states "I am not sitting right, I should lay out like this"

Pepper lays on her back with her arms and legs dangling.

Jane says with frustration "Oh for Pete sake, this is not happening . . ."

Dragon closes his hand. Then takes flight. They hover over Rake, he looks up as Pepper screams.

Pepper screams "Help me Rake, Dragon has taken me as a cook"

Dragon whispers to Pepper "Hostage."

Pepper corrects herself "A hostage, . . as a hostage"

Rake utters "What the . . . why . . .Pepper?"

Pepper yells to Rake "He is taking me to his cave to be a cook there."

Rake replies "Uh Pepper, there is no . . . kitchen in the cave"

Dragon flies away before Rake can finish speaking.

Jane says to herself "I should have thought of that"

Rake responds "Pardon, What was that Jane?"

Jane tries to explain "Funny thing Rake, you see . . . uh . . . I do not know how to say this, Dragon has taken Pepper to his cave and they . . ."

Rake interrupts "Oh, I must save her!"

Jane counters "No, you have to know something first, you can not fight Dragon."

"Oh, I know, you are a knight in training and I am just a gardener." says Rake

Jane says "No, that is not what I wanted to say"

"Yes it is, well this time I will show you that I can be a warrior too."contends Rake

Jane says with a calm tone "I am sure you can, but this is not the time to go to battle"

Rake proclaims with a livid tone "Not the time? I know you and Dragon are best friends but it is time to choose between people and beasts."

Jane tries to calm Rake "Again, that is not what I wanted to say"

Rake retorts "I can not waste another moment talking, I will take the fasted stead to the cave."

Rake runs to the stable

"Smithy, saddle the fastest stead for me." yells Rake

Smithy says with a surprised tone "Rake, you . . . ride our best horse?"

Rake exclaims "Yes, I want to ride."

Smithy responds "Fine, but why not start with a less spirited horse?"

"It is very important as speed is essential" states Rake

Smithy relents "Alright, let me get the saddle, you can put on the reigns."

Smithy saddles the horse efficiently as Rake fumbles with the reigns. Smithy takes the reigns from Rake and puts them on the horse. Rake picks up pitchfork and is about to mount a horse.

Jane quips "What are you going to do with the pitchfork, tickle Dragon?

Jane bends over as she laughs hard.

"Your right, I need something else . . . such as a dragon sword." says Rake

Rake takes Jane's dragon sword from her scabbard and mounts the horse then rides away. Jane is stunned, she runs to the stable. She grabs onto the mane of a horse lifts herself onto it's bare back and chases Rake. Having a slower horse and no saddle, she struggles to get close.

She yells to Rake "Do not battle Dragon, it is all just a plot to make you show your love for Pepper! Rake!

But he can't hear since he is too far away. After a long ride Rake arrives at the cave, he dismounts, takes the sword from the saddle's scabbard, he holds the sword in striking position as he approaches the cave.

Moments earlier

Pepper says to Dragon "Dragon, a good host does not do his uh . . . rear end belching inside, so could you at least point your tail end out when you do that? It is disgusting."

"Oh I will do it for you this time," retorts Dragon " . . . but if you are going to be a long time hostage, you should go outside."

Dragon turns around, backs up till his tail is at the cave entrance, he lifts his tail and creates a big fart just as Rake enters the cave. Rake is a few feet away from Dragon as he gets the full force of dragon's fart, he stumbles backward. Rake sprints to where his horse stands, he grabs the reigns and falls to his knees. He exhales while letting out a wail of disgust.

Dragon says to himself "Pepper may be right, that one was a bit wet."

Pepper hears Rake, she exits the cave and sees Rake, it appears that he had just dismounted.

Pepper exclaims with joy "Rake! You have come to rescue me! You have proven to me that I am worth your risking your life!"

Pepper kneels down and hugs Rake

Pepper gets a shocked look on her face then comments "Rake, you are very sweaty . . . and your body odor is well quite ripe."

Rake is unable to speak from being choked on Dragon's gas. Jane who saw what happened from a distance rides up to Rake and Pepper.

"That is just the way he smells after he rides for such a distance" says Jane, with a mischievous smile.

Pepper proclaims "Oh my, well we can not allow that. Rake, you will not be riding horses anymore. It is best that you do not do any thing to make you sweat and smell so bad."

Jane adds "Quite right, he should not handle swords either, one can perspire profusely in a battle"

"Yes, that is forbidden as well" asserts Pepper

Pepper takes the dragon sword from Rake and hands it to Jane.

"So did we all learned something?" proclaims Jane "Rake your very brave, Pepper you make a great damsel in distress, I learned to mind my sword better and . . . " she whispers to Dragon "Dragon, you . . . well broccoli is mightier than a sword"

Dragon looks confused "How could I learn that, I did not fight a sword with a stalk of broccoli, that is silly, it would be cut to pieces."

Jane concludes "Blades are not alone when it comes to being sharp."


End file.
